Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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