i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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