The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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