at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
