I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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