I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
