I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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