True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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