just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
