Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
