Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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