If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
