you have to choose: penises or morals?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
