I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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