I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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