Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I FOUND THE LEGS
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
