I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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