I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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