the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
