u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
