matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
