its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
