sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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