Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
