your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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