You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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