Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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