Im at strip club and am horny
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
