My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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