He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
