someone get that fucking seahorse.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
