It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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