ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
