I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
