Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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