I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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