In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
