k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
