Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
