I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
