i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
