He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
