I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
