Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
