I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
