mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
