I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
