the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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