when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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