if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
