i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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