so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
