WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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