So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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