your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
