dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
