Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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