Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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